Well, I went to see Pirates 3 last night at the 8 o’clock showing, and unfortunately I have to say I’m not terribly impressed. I think it was better than the second one, but that’s not saying much.

I shall begin my review with a simple syllogism:

Completely unnecessary perverted parts = sick

Muddled and excessively convoluted plot lines = lame

Riddled with complex mythology = confusing

Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End = All of the above

Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End = Sick, lame, and confusing

(Please note that the movie doesn’t really contain anything sexually explicit, I just hate it when they throw stuff in to titilate the audience)

I’ll try not to spoil the plot for anyone that hasn’t seen it, but in a nutshell POTC3 is about, well, hmm, lets see, I’m not exactly certain what what it was about… Every character is either dead, mostly dead, undead, dying, intending to become dead, resurrected, in Davy Jones’ locker, intending to become Davy Jones, or immortal. They go cavorting all across the high seas engaging in all sorts of tom-foolery (I like that word) without much of an end goal in mind. Nearly every character switches sides about four or five times, and sometimes they double cross each other multiple times in the same scene. For instance:

Jack Sparrow: “The Black Pearl is mine!”

Will Turner: “No its not, its mine because I betrayed you to the Japanese guy!”

Japanese guy: “No, actually you both are wrong because I betrayed you all to the British, so now its mine!”

British Admiral: “That’s what you think, sucker! Mwahaha!” opens fire

Neither the audience or the characters have any idea what is going on, and most of the movie is taken up by intense (and nearly ludicrous) battle sequences consisting of Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom swinging madly through the rigging while performing nearly matrix style moves and sword battles. At certain points, it almost seems as if the director is just trying to see how much he can get away with. To give you a taste of this, consider the last scene of the movie wherein Jack says, “I have actually never met Bizarro, but I absolutely love his pies.”

The only redeeming qualities of the movie are its humor, CG, and soundtrack, which are all incredible. In fact, the beginning of the movie is nearly a comedy at points.

Perhaps the best summary of the movie comes from a sarcastic comment Patrick (my brother) heard one of the theater employees make as we exited the movie, “They all just look thrilled don’t they?”

I would say that if you go to this movie hoping it will be be anywhere near as good as the first one, forget it, you’ll be terribly disappointed. But if you expect to see just another action flick heavy on visual effects and light on plot, you’ll probably enjoy it. If you’ve only seen the first one, save yourself the agony and never see the 2nd and 3rd, but if you’ve already seen the 2nd, you might as well go see the 3rd as well. It is at least slightly better.

But in my book, there is really one one Pirates of the Caribbean.